Imagine the pre-credits sequence – the Doctor walks into a dentist’s surgery and sits down onto the chair. Out of the shadows comes over a bearded dentist, who looks suspiciously like the Master of old. He looms down over the Doctor and chortles “My dear Doctor, so nice to see you again! Open wide!” (Camera zooms into Capaldi’s mouth, cut to intro!)
Welcome to the “Time Lord Top Ten of Teeth”. Let’s chomp our way back through over more than fifty years of our beloved show and take a fun look at all things toothy in Doctor Who!
10. The Gunfighters
Coming in at number ten we have the William Hartnell classic tale. The Doctor has toothache after eating one of the Celestial Toymaker’s sweets and is looking for a dentist.
9. The Deadly Assassin
Tom Baker’s Doctor ventures into the Matrix, meets a clown, a Samurai, a big game hunter and – yes you guessed it – a dentist! A nightmarish one at that, armed with heavy-duty syringe!
8. Tooth and Claw
The last story of the Classic Series reintroduces us to an old foe. “Brace” yourselves. Yes, it’s a yellow-eyed Master rocking some pretty impressive feline gnashers.
The Doctor, Martha and Jack meet a tattooed tribe with some pretty pointy teeth. Our heroes have to bear their own pearly whites in order to prove that they are not one of the bitey baddies.
5. Voyage of the Damned
In 2007’s Christmas Day episode we encounter the villainous but charming Max Capricorn who never misses an opportunity to bare his glinting gold tooth.
In the Fourth’s final tale, when their car gets a flat tyre, Tegan exclaims those immortal once-in-a-lifetime words: “Hell’s teeth, Auntie Vanessa!”
3. The Parting of the Ways
A newly regenerated Tenth Doctor is giving his new body a once over and he curiously observes: “Ooh! New teeth!”
2. The Day of the Doctor
The Tenth Doctor makes a tiny faux-pas and takes Elizabeth I for a shape-shifting Zygon, explaining that it is because of her “smell, unconvincing hair and atrocious teeth”!
1. The Five Doctors
Who can forget that moment when Sarah Jane finally meets the Third Doctor and is somewhat taken aback not to find him in his fourth incarnation. She makes some confused gestures around her face and the Doctor enquires: “All teeth and curls?”
And there you have it. Apologies to fans of tribesman Broken Tooth from “The Trial of a Time Lord” – he very nearly made it into these chompy charts. And let’s not forget those bitey snowflakes floating down towards Earth in “The Snowmen”.
But first, two Whovian jokes more agonising than toothache…
Why did the Sontaran go to the dentist?
To get his tooth exSTRAXted!
What is a dentist’s least favourite Season 18 story?
“State of Decay”!
Our dental appointment is finally and blessedly over. And, despite our frivolity, let’s remember the Fourth Doctor’s wise words from “Terror of the Zygons”…
“Teeth are very serious things!”